The World As I see It

Moment to Moment….Day by Day,

Soooo, I’m sitting down for the 6th time this week, trying to figure out exactly how I want to convey my thoughts. I’ve written, and re-written; and rewritten this blog again since my birthday.  You see, the goal of this first post was to commemorate my turning 31 on the 31st of the month. I figure that there must be some spiritual meaning behind this number. So,why not make the choice to finally step outside of the box?  My 31st year of life is hopefully going to be the year I reflect upon in the future and say to myself “That was when my life began. That was the first time, I did alot of things for the first time”. This blog is supposed to be my first of many triumphs, one of many opportunities where I will just trust myself and take a leap of faith. I’ve always enjoyed writing, but I’ve kept many of my thoughts on just about EVERYTHING either to myself, or mustered enough courage to share with a select few. I don’t pretend to know everything, and I choose to always remain teachable. What I will express is just what I’m thinking. I don’t know who will take the time to read it, but just know that whomever graces my blog site with their presence is greatly appreciated. I’ve been through quite a bit in the past 30 years of my life, the 30th being the hardest to date. Then again, haven’t we all? During that time, I’ve often had the thought that I couldn’t possibly be the only one feeling this kind of feeling, or thinking these thoughts. With that being said, I’m willing to put myself out there with the hopes that maybe someone else won’t feel as isolated as I once did.

The main reason why I wanted to start this blog is because of my battle with Depression for over 12 years. Last year, I truly felt like I was sinking, had no sense of direction and I couldn’t ask for help even if I tried. I, like so many African American women could only half-step my way into admission that something was really wrong. So, some of my friends knew. Some of my family knew, but God forbid- I would be vulnerable with the wrong person, or group of people. I would risk being judged or undervalued by the ones whom I though I could trust. Not only that, I work within the field of social work as a youth counselor. I was afraid that if I didn’t keep  on my poker face, It was inevitable that I would be gifted a pink slip. For as compassionate as the Mental Health environment should be, folks often don’t really give a flying-you-know-what if your documentation is late. *heavy sigh* Everyone has to get paid, but I digress……..

I was clinically diagnosed with Depression at the age of 9. Off and on, my symptoms shifted between being intense and mild. Having battled it for so long, I most certainly believe that the universe was protecting me from something that could have been far more tragic. For that, I’m blessed beyond measure. On the other hand, I often thought about what it would be like if I was no longer on this Earth, but I wasn’t so low that I ever tried to take my own life. All of the the other symptoms were there, in your face though. For 22 years, I tried to hide and convince myself that I had to get over it, that no one had time to care and there were people dealing with more traumatic experiences that myself. Therefore, I needed to shut the hell up and deal. I had to. I had to be there for other people who may need me.

Unfortunately, I was doing a horrible job of trying to be there for others. To make it seem like I could handle life, I would have the tendency to over commit and under deliver. Then, I would kick myself for letting someone down. This all made me spiral into a deeper depression. I wasn’t taking care of myself. I desperately tried to hide from my co-workers, my friends, my family, but worst of all; I tried to hide from myself. I didn’t know what it felt like to be happy, or at least content to get out of the bed. I was always tired, my weight fluctuated, I didn’t believe in myself, my living space was in disarray, and I never felt completely comfortable anywhere. I would hear all of the time, “Just get up and do something. You need to be stronger. Someone has it worst than you. What reason do you have to be depressed”?  Those kinds of statements and questions always sounded like nails on a chalkboard to me. Yet, for some of what I agreed with-I just couldn’t seem to grasp tightly enough to hold on to, and I often just didn’t know how.  I eventually realized Depression isn’t just something to “get over”. Its a legitimate illness; a chemical imbalance. Though highly treatable, it can really wreak havoc on your body, but people still don’t measure Depression by what they SEE. They don’t look at it like any other life altering illness such as cancer. Why? because unlike a Cancer, Depression is in the mind. Depression is actually an umbrella for other illnesses that typically manifests itself physically, but to many, Depression is JUST a cerebral affliction. Its absolute.

If eyes are the window to the soul, I think when people looked at me, they were staring into a barely furnished home. The limited furniture was indicative that someone was living there, but there weren’t many signs of liveliness.  I think many of my loved ones saw only my Depression and judged me for it. They saw it as my weakness. It was the sum of who I was. I don’t blame them though. We’re taught at a very early age to judge and tell others what’s best for them, even if we don’t have a single clue as to what one is going through. After experiencing a recent breakup that honestly still hurts like hell, I decided to just sit in yet another Depressive episode. However, it was not to wallow and pity myself, but to become more educated about Depression in general, and how it affects me personally. My best friend often criticized me for taking that space. I was  accused of wanting to remain in a funk. However, when a person finds out that they have a rare disease, they take the time to research it because they want to explore the best ways to enhance their quality of life while they fight the proverbial war.

So today, I recognize that I’m in the fight for my life. I can most certainly live a life filled with limitless happiness, but my journey to that is customized to what I need for me.\. What I choose to do to get there is no one’s business but my own. No one has permission to compare my struggles to theirs, and question why I choose what I choose. Every ounce of solitude, gratitude, peace, and love that I experience is mine, and I’ve the right to fight tooth and nail to maintain it. My Depression is not my character. Its not an ugly or shameful part of me. I’m going to have my good days and bad days. As I share more, those days will be chronicled with hopes that someone else won’t feel so alone. They won’t feel like they can’t get through it because, guess what? They will. I want to share so that someone else will be able to begin to trust their journey of finding  the life they truly desire, and that a belief that it can actually happen is the first step into the right direction. Thanks for reading. To be continued……..

Kenni B.